Dale Carnegie said: If you can't sleep, then get up and do something.Dale Carnegie is an asshole with motives...the worst kind

Unlike most people i enjoy sympathy...now let’s just get this straight...i don’t mean i like being patronised and i hate it when people fuss too much. But i like a little sympathy...because sympathy often leads to treats.............and i like treats. Anyway enough about that...as you may have gathered from my title I have a problem with sleep. I have a problem with a lot of things...sleep is one of those. Yeah i know it sucks ass. So i decided to take some affirmative action and give you all some top tips on what not to do when you are sleep deprived...I’m gonna do them in list form...I like lists...deal with it!
1) Drinking multiple cups of tea in quick succession only leads to one thing...heart burn.
2) Chasing said tea with multiple cups of coffee does not ‘counteract the effects of heartburn caused by tea’ it only aggravates it...so just don’t...you are not a scientist...there is no fact behind that assumption...your a fool.
3) Anything you think of when you haven’t slept for 3 days is probably a bad idea...scrap that...it is most definitely the stupidest, most dangerous idea you have EVER had...EVER! Just don’t do it...lie down and cry.
4) Cats are not ‘out to get you’, ‘making war cries outside your window’ or ‘possessed by the spirit of King Henry VIII. You’re crazy. Live with it.
5) Running up and down the stairs after 3 sleepless nights will only end in tears.
6) Washing your hair at 4 in the morning then lying on it will only end in tears.
7) People are not shouting at you. You’re tired. Like when you were 5, and your mum would say ‘you're tired’ and you would flip. Yeah. She’s not ‘starting’ on you. You’re tired.
8) There are no such things as flying gremlins...it’s a crow.
9) Do not under any circumstances try to pluck ingrown hairs out of your legs in the half light of dawn. The only result is severe bleeding, crying, swearing, hitting walls and unsightly contusions.
10) And finally, never go on Google...just don’t even touch the Internet...you WILL end up crying huddled in the foetal position in the corner of your room because you just stumbled upon a prank video of the large hadron collider causing a black hole and now you feel you have the tedious and weighty moral dilemma of whether or not to let the world know of their impending doom. You will somehow manage to watch hardcore porn and proceed to vomit and rip your hair out and googling suicide will not help you.

There’s much more...but i think I’ve covered the most important ones for now.
Peace.

There’s a dead moth stuck to my ceiling and I have no intention of doing anything about it

There is ...and I haven’t...but this isn’t about Cuthbert (I named him after I killed him...Out of respect, you know)
Nope, Cuthbert won’t be stealing my limelight this time. Nor will the birds who are totally fucked up by light pollution so they sing aaallll night...I mean c’mon give it a rest??!! Do birds get insomnia? And i digress. Nope this is about the fact that my soon-to-be university has decided that giving a prospective student (of 18-19 years old) 7 days to pay a £550 deposit fee on accommodation is totally acceptable. Yes that’s right 7 days, like they’re the mafia or something. And the biggest slap in the face is that if you’re rich enough to pay the whole years rent in one go you get...wait for it...a DISCOUNT!!! Since when did rich people need discounts, am I the only person outraged, they didn’t even have the decency to make sure the deadline fell around payday..No no no. Just any random day’ll do because that’s the kind of money you conjure out of thin air. You know like a party trick...and then you burn it and spit in homeless people’s faces.
So know I have to make a tearful (and snotty if I’m lucky) call to the admissions department about my desperate need for a one day extension so I can use my months food money to pay said deposit. I’m hoping they’ll let me off paying it at all, but I’m guessing not. So my plan B is to borrow the money and pay the borrower back asap on Friday...which I resent...coz I hate borrowing money...plus if I didn’t resent it I’d have nothing to bitch about and then where would we be?! Nowhere that’s were.
Moving on to bigger and better things here are 10 things i do everyday which apparently make me a weirdo:
10) I wash my face with oil. Yup. It works. Don’t judge.
9) I can’t use the toilet with anyone standing outside or with clothes on. What can i say; I’m a sensual person (HA!)
8) I use words which ‘don’t exist’ or ‘you just made that up right now Eleanor’. I’ve been told this makes me hard to understand but I’m not convinced.
7) I treat the neighbour’s cat as if she’s mine except i refuse to feed her or let her upstairs. Personally i don’t see this as weird i see it as the most bank friendly way to have a pet.
6) I watch a dose of trash TV. This gets hard in the summer but i manage goddamnit.
5) Playing with my eyeballs...it’s too tempting. I see it as a rather impressive feat that i can touch them without flinching.
4) Ok if your squeamish i wouldn’t read this...but i love plucking ingrown hair out of my legs...oh joy
3) Silent singing (don’t ask)
2) Finding bump on my scalp and picking them...
And...Drum roll please...
1)Topping food with salad cream particularly rice...mmmm

Well there you go... later

For Elgar...

Farewell Elgar, you had a good run but its time for Adam Smith to take the torch. You will be sorely missed.
*Disclaimer* if you’re not English/British I apologies as this will probably be totally lost on you.

Saturday is asshole day...

Oh and Sunday...but Saturday in particular...I’m sorry I cant serve your girlfriend ( who looks like she’s about 12 by the way...and you say your 30..eeww gross) alcohol, I’d rather not get fined and prosecuted so you and your “23” year old girlfriend can get cheap thrills off cheap cider. Don’t look at me like that...this is my job not my hobby, I really don’t wanna be here as much as you. Actually scratch that I don’t want to be here more than you. So kiss my ass you hairy sob try Tesco’s or better yet the corner shop...jhheezzzuuss.
Anyway, I have to raise £550 in a week to pay the deposit on my student accommodation. What a farce, I wouldn’t pay in protest only then I’d be homeless and I’m not one of those people that cannot shower for more than a day and get away with it, I don’t want to be accused of being a source of pollution, I’m English, my embarro-meter would explode. But seriously really??!! I mean you’re asking a 19 year old to somehow come up with £550 in 7 days...are you for real... and they had the damn cheek to have another option were you paid the full amount instead of just the deposit and you get a discount. THE DAMN CHEEK!!! Since when did rich people need discounts...I need a discount...I work in a supermarket for crying out loud. So yeah, amongst many other things that piss me off (mainly being alive in general), that did too. Also I keep having to serve the smelly woman at work who isn’t homeless but smells like she is and has a smelly matt of hair at the back of her head and dirty fingers and is just greasy in general...oh and she’s rude... it should be illegal to be smelly and rude...one or the other bitch...you can’t have your cake and eat it, if your gonna make me throw up in my mouth at least do it with mild mannered respect.

Apparently it’s no longer acceptable to give children cardboard boxes as gifts....not even painted ones

My 10 year old brother has a mobile phone. And not just any mobile phone no no no no no...He has a brand spanking new nokia E-series with a contract...10!!! Well excuse me but at 10 the best I could expect was one of those dear diaries which was basically a calculator that used letters, had poor memory and a dysfunctional password setting. THAT my friends was the pinnacle of modern technology when I was 10. I was a tool with that gizmo...I totally had more than two friends for like three months due to that transparent pink diary calculator. Now it’s all blackberry’s and wii’s (which are pretty awesome I know but stfu I’m tryna make a point here) and iron man games which cost 100 big ones and mean your big sister can’t pay the bills for 6 months prior and is confined to a gulag in Siberia to pay her debts (and I’m only exaggerating a little bit). No I think kids should all be made to make their own fun, there is nothing wrong with climbing trees, making ‘poison’ and ‘spells’ out of household cleaning products and turning the living room table upside down to make a boat. Since when was it acceptable for a child to own something that cost you more than your months’ rent. Okay maybe I’m being harsh but whatever, all I know is that when I was younger I came home every day with a new abrasion not a new electrical gadget that cost a few hundred and designer clothes. Bitter? Me? Maybe a little.

I know, I know how can i not give in to his tiny bespectackled face

Today.... I was disciplined.

Ok. Shall we begin? Before you all start making wild assumptions this is not going to be about some crazy sexual exploit ...yes I know how unfortunately dull of me. No, today we are talking about lateness. And what exactly constitutes lateness, because as far as I know being two minutes late was never call for serious action on the part of the evil powers that be...apparently I was very wrong.
Last Sunday went a bit like this for me:
I got up etc blabla bla and made my way to my place of work which happens to be a supermarket (pause for applause...no? ok) I admit I was running ever so slightly late but no biggie...oh.no wait. Apparently it is. On arriving at the checkouts I was met by one of the managers:
*shows me watch*
Manager: ‘what time is it Eleanor’
Me: ‘eerrmm.... ‘11.02’
Manager...*stare of death’
Me: sorry I’m late
About half an hour later I’m sent upstairs and guess what...I’m served a fucking disciplinary for being two minutes late ...I mean come OONNN!! Really? Are we really gonna do this?? Well, yes. Yes we are because today...on this noble Saturday. I was promptly disciplined. Yes you read it right, a date was set , tears were shed, tables overturned. (ok that didn’t really happen but i need to make this sound dramatic). And i am up for review in July. Aside from the fact that i am leaving in august so none of this is very important, they seemed to have completely neglected that fact that i (being an insomniac) don’t really have the energy to care and even when being served with the most UNJUST treatment will probably just yawn and ask what day it is. (don’t judge, my apathy is my only strength), well the following Tuesday i was handed a lovely green slip of paper with my review date on it and that was that. I mean i was expecting two burly security type guys to slap me across the face with a wad of printing paper and tell me ‘you’ve been served’, but apparently i will be granted no such show.
They truly did show me.

Welcome to Sparta.

Hello and welcome to my blog. Hopefully you’ll enjoy my future rants. As I have discovered that I was created for the sole purpose of being a source of amusement to everyone else, I have decided to share the joy my unfortunate life brings to the world via the web (which I have craftily deciphered after years of sheer confusion and uttering profanities at the blue screen of death). Enjoy amigos. Peace for now.