Unlike most people i enjoy sympathy...now let’s just get this straight...i don’t mean i like being patronised and i hate it when people fuss too much. But i like a little sympathy...because sympathy often leads to treats.............and i like treats. Anyway enough about that...as you may have gathered from my title I have a problem with sleep. I have a problem with a lot of things...sleep is one of those. Yeah i know it sucks ass. So i decided to take some affirmative action and give you all some top tips on what not to do when you are sleep deprived...I’m gonna do them in list form...I like lists...deal with it!
1) Drinking multiple cups of tea in quick succession only leads to one thing...heart burn.
2) Chasing said tea with multiple cups of coffee does not ‘counteract the effects of heartburn caused by tea’ it only aggravates it...so just don’t...you are not a scientist...there is no fact behind that assumption...your a fool.
3) Anything you think of when you haven’t slept for 3 days is probably a bad idea...scrap that...it is most definitely the stupidest, most dangerous idea you have EVER had...EVER! Just don’t do it...lie down and cry.
4) Cats are not ‘out to get you’, ‘making war cries outside your window’ or ‘possessed by the spirit of King Henry VIII. You’re crazy. Live with it.
5) Running up and down the stairs after 3 sleepless nights will only end in tears.
6) Washing your hair at 4 in the morning then lying on it will only end in tears.
7) People are not shouting at you. You’re tired. Like when you were 5, and your mum would say ‘you're tired’ and you would flip. Yeah. She’s not ‘starting’ on you. You’re tired.
8) There are no such things as flying gremlins...it’s a crow.
9) Do not under any circumstances try to pluck ingrown hairs out of your legs in the half light of dawn. The only result is severe bleeding, crying, swearing, hitting walls and unsightly contusions.
10) And finally, never go on Google...just don’t even touch the Internet...you WILL end up crying huddled in the foetal position in the corner of your room because you just stumbled upon a prank video of the large hadron collider causing a black hole and now you feel you have the tedious and weighty moral dilemma of whether or not to let the world know of their impending doom. You will somehow manage to watch hardcore porn and proceed to vomit and rip your hair out and googling suicide will not help you.
There’s much more...but i think I’ve covered the most important ones for now.
Peace.
Friday 23 July 2010
Saturday 3 July 2010
There’s a dead moth stuck to my ceiling and I have no intention of doing anything about it
There is ...and I haven’t...but this isn’t about Cuthbert (I named him after I killed him...Out of respect, you know)
Nope, Cuthbert won’t be stealing my limelight this time. Nor will the birds who are totally fucked up by light pollution so they sing aaallll night...I mean c’mon give it a rest??!! Do birds get insomnia? And i digress. Nope this is about the fact that my soon-to-be university has decided that giving a prospective student (of 18-19 years old) 7 days to pay a £550 deposit fee on accommodation is totally acceptable. Yes that’s right 7 days, like they’re the mafia or something. And the biggest slap in the face is that if you’re rich enough to pay the whole years rent in one go you get...wait for it...a DISCOUNT!!! Since when did rich people need discounts, am I the only person outraged, they didn’t even have the decency to make sure the deadline fell around payday..No no no. Just any random day’ll do because that’s the kind of money you conjure out of thin air. You know like a party trick...and then you burn it and spit in homeless people’s faces.
So know I have to make a tearful (and snotty if I’m lucky) call to the admissions department about my desperate need for a one day extension so I can use my months food money to pay said deposit. I’m hoping they’ll let me off paying it at all, but I’m guessing not. So my plan B is to borrow the money and pay the borrower back asap on Friday...which I resent...coz I hate borrowing money...plus if I didn’t resent it I’d have nothing to bitch about and then where would we be?! Nowhere that’s were.
Moving on to bigger and better things here are 10 things i do everyday which apparently make me a weirdo:
10) I wash my face with oil. Yup. It works. Don’t judge.
9) I can’t use the toilet with anyone standing outside or with clothes on. What can i say; I’m a sensual person (HA!)
8) I use words which ‘don’t exist’ or ‘you just made that up right now Eleanor’. I’ve been told this makes me hard to understand but I’m not convinced.
7) I treat the neighbour’s cat as if she’s mine except i refuse to feed her or let her upstairs. Personally i don’t see this as weird i see it as the most bank friendly way to have a pet.
6) I watch a dose of trash TV. This gets hard in the summer but i manage goddamnit.
5) Playing with my eyeballs...it’s too tempting. I see it as a rather impressive feat that i can touch them without flinching.
4) Ok if your squeamish i wouldn’t read this...but i love plucking ingrown hair out of my legs...oh joy
3) Silent singing (don’t ask)
2) Finding bump on my scalp and picking them...
And...Drum roll please...
1)Topping food with salad cream particularly rice...mmmm
Well there you go... later
Nope, Cuthbert won’t be stealing my limelight this time. Nor will the birds who are totally fucked up by light pollution so they sing aaallll night...I mean c’mon give it a rest??!! Do birds get insomnia? And i digress. Nope this is about the fact that my soon-to-be university has decided that giving a prospective student (of 18-19 years old) 7 days to pay a £550 deposit fee on accommodation is totally acceptable. Yes that’s right 7 days, like they’re the mafia or something. And the biggest slap in the face is that if you’re rich enough to pay the whole years rent in one go you get...wait for it...a DISCOUNT!!! Since when did rich people need discounts, am I the only person outraged, they didn’t even have the decency to make sure the deadline fell around payday..No no no. Just any random day’ll do because that’s the kind of money you conjure out of thin air. You know like a party trick...and then you burn it and spit in homeless people’s faces.
So know I have to make a tearful (and snotty if I’m lucky) call to the admissions department about my desperate need for a one day extension so I can use my months food money to pay said deposit. I’m hoping they’ll let me off paying it at all, but I’m guessing not. So my plan B is to borrow the money and pay the borrower back asap on Friday...which I resent...coz I hate borrowing money...plus if I didn’t resent it I’d have nothing to bitch about and then where would we be?! Nowhere that’s were.
Moving on to bigger and better things here are 10 things i do everyday which apparently make me a weirdo:
10) I wash my face with oil. Yup. It works. Don’t judge.
9) I can’t use the toilet with anyone standing outside or with clothes on. What can i say; I’m a sensual person (HA!)
8) I use words which ‘don’t exist’ or ‘you just made that up right now Eleanor’. I’ve been told this makes me hard to understand but I’m not convinced.
7) I treat the neighbour’s cat as if she’s mine except i refuse to feed her or let her upstairs. Personally i don’t see this as weird i see it as the most bank friendly way to have a pet.
6) I watch a dose of trash TV. This gets hard in the summer but i manage goddamnit.
5) Playing with my eyeballs...it’s too tempting. I see it as a rather impressive feat that i can touch them without flinching.
4) Ok if your squeamish i wouldn’t read this...but i love plucking ingrown hair out of my legs...oh joy
3) Silent singing (don’t ask)
2) Finding bump on my scalp and picking them...
And...Drum roll please...
1)Topping food with salad cream particularly rice...mmmm
Well there you go... later
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