For Elgar...

Farewell Elgar, you had a good run but its time for Adam Smith to take the torch. You will be sorely missed.
*Disclaimer* if you’re not English/British I apologies as this will probably be totally lost on you.

Saturday is asshole day...

Oh and Sunday...but Saturday in particular...I’m sorry I cant serve your girlfriend ( who looks like she’s about 12 by the way...and you say your 30..eeww gross) alcohol, I’d rather not get fined and prosecuted so you and your “23” year old girlfriend can get cheap thrills off cheap cider. Don’t look at me like that...this is my job not my hobby, I really don’t wanna be here as much as you. Actually scratch that I don’t want to be here more than you. So kiss my ass you hairy sob try Tesco’s or better yet the corner shop...jhheezzzuuss.
Anyway, I have to raise £550 in a week to pay the deposit on my student accommodation. What a farce, I wouldn’t pay in protest only then I’d be homeless and I’m not one of those people that cannot shower for more than a day and get away with it, I don’t want to be accused of being a source of pollution, I’m English, my embarro-meter would explode. But seriously really??!! I mean you’re asking a 19 year old to somehow come up with £550 in 7 days...are you for real... and they had the damn cheek to have another option were you paid the full amount instead of just the deposit and you get a discount. THE DAMN CHEEK!!! Since when did rich people need discounts...I need a discount...I work in a supermarket for crying out loud. So yeah, amongst many other things that piss me off (mainly being alive in general), that did too. Also I keep having to serve the smelly woman at work who isn’t homeless but smells like she is and has a smelly matt of hair at the back of her head and dirty fingers and is just greasy in general...oh and she’s rude... it should be illegal to be smelly and rude...one or the other bitch...you can’t have your cake and eat it, if your gonna make me throw up in my mouth at least do it with mild mannered respect.

Apparently it’s no longer acceptable to give children cardboard boxes as gifts....not even painted ones

My 10 year old brother has a mobile phone. And not just any mobile phone no no no no no...He has a brand spanking new nokia E-series with a contract...10!!! Well excuse me but at 10 the best I could expect was one of those dear diaries which was basically a calculator that used letters, had poor memory and a dysfunctional password setting. THAT my friends was the pinnacle of modern technology when I was 10. I was a tool with that gizmo...I totally had more than two friends for like three months due to that transparent pink diary calculator. Now it’s all blackberry’s and wii’s (which are pretty awesome I know but stfu I’m tryna make a point here) and iron man games which cost 100 big ones and mean your big sister can’t pay the bills for 6 months prior and is confined to a gulag in Siberia to pay her debts (and I’m only exaggerating a little bit). No I think kids should all be made to make their own fun, there is nothing wrong with climbing trees, making ‘poison’ and ‘spells’ out of household cleaning products and turning the living room table upside down to make a boat. Since when was it acceptable for a child to own something that cost you more than your months’ rent. Okay maybe I’m being harsh but whatever, all I know is that when I was younger I came home every day with a new abrasion not a new electrical gadget that cost a few hundred and designer clothes. Bitter? Me? Maybe a little.

I know, I know how can i not give in to his tiny bespectackled face

Today.... I was disciplined.

Ok. Shall we begin? Before you all start making wild assumptions this is not going to be about some crazy sexual exploit ...yes I know how unfortunately dull of me. No, today we are talking about lateness. And what exactly constitutes lateness, because as far as I know being two minutes late was never call for serious action on the part of the evil powers that be...apparently I was very wrong.
Last Sunday went a bit like this for me:
I got up etc blabla bla and made my way to my place of work which happens to be a supermarket (pause for applause...no? ok) I admit I was running ever so slightly late but no biggie...oh.no wait. Apparently it is. On arriving at the checkouts I was met by one of the managers:
*shows me watch*
Manager: ‘what time is it Eleanor’
Me: ‘eerrmm.... ‘11.02’
Manager...*stare of death’
Me: sorry I’m late
About half an hour later I’m sent upstairs and guess what...I’m served a fucking disciplinary for being two minutes late ...I mean come OONNN!! Really? Are we really gonna do this?? Well, yes. Yes we are because today...on this noble Saturday. I was promptly disciplined. Yes you read it right, a date was set , tears were shed, tables overturned. (ok that didn’t really happen but i need to make this sound dramatic). And i am up for review in July. Aside from the fact that i am leaving in august so none of this is very important, they seemed to have completely neglected that fact that i (being an insomniac) don’t really have the energy to care and even when being served with the most UNJUST treatment will probably just yawn and ask what day it is. (don’t judge, my apathy is my only strength), well the following Tuesday i was handed a lovely green slip of paper with my review date on it and that was that. I mean i was expecting two burly security type guys to slap me across the face with a wad of printing paper and tell me ‘you’ve been served’, but apparently i will be granted no such show.
They truly did show me.

Welcome to Sparta.

Hello and welcome to my blog. Hopefully you’ll enjoy my future rants. As I have discovered that I was created for the sole purpose of being a source of amusement to everyone else, I have decided to share the joy my unfortunate life brings to the world via the web (which I have craftily deciphered after years of sheer confusion and uttering profanities at the blue screen of death). Enjoy amigos. Peace for now.