I like to do things in order so I'l start by apologising to the empty webspace which is my readership (I would say and my Mum but she doesn't even read this crap haha). Secondly, I would give some long winded excuse but the truth is I have none. I have time to write this blog I've just been a whole lot of lazy.
So moving on, I guess I'll just begin by saying I'm going to try and add a whole lot more fiction and maybe attempt to spell better ( ya know to be respectful to the good people of the oxford dictionary cartel). But of course I'll keep up with mundane entries regarding my monotonous life.
I finished university last summer which was a shock, spent a whole lot of time lying face down on the floor before I scraped myself up and wound up working in a library...in a prison...no literally. Can't say much about that though because it's all confidential so imma tell you about the time I joined online dating.
I joined online dating...funny thing is the most awkward moment involving this haphazard adventure had nothing to do with the date(s) in question. I went to meet the man I am currently seeing for a second date and I was waiting at the station for him looking obviously incredibly cool (and apparently open to Oprah Winfrey-esque relationship interventions) smoking a cigarette, this man approaches me looking a bit hapless. He asked me if I could do him a favour ( I'm from London so immediately assumed he meant sexual and put my hands on my keys a.k.a shank) I said depends what it is mate, turns out he wanted me to call his ex-girlfriend and pretend to be her current boyfriends girlfriend so she's think he was a cheating scumbag and go back to train station guy. I didn't do it of course...even though he offered me £20 and cried (good tactics but I'm a stone cold fox)
Sooo anyway, since we're all in the habit of making lists I'll leave you with one:
10 things I don't care about which seem to be all the rage with the kids these days:
10) Selfies.....You know what I think? If no one else wants to take pictures of you your either ugly as shit or an ass hole and so have no friends to take em and therefore no one wants to see you anyway...end of.
9)Miley Cyrus......in general, talking about her, looking at her, hearing about her...I was over it when she was Hannah Montanna I'm still over it now.
8)People who think pointing out discrimination is discriminatory *sighs, rubs forehead*...I'm gonna say this one time, You're not Kant, this is not a philosophy lecture, save your circular logic for someone with twice the time and half the I.Q. please.
7) Geeks, Nerds, Gamers etc complaining about being Geeks, Nerds, Gamers etc........just stop....it's awkward, we don't hate you, we just don't care.
6) bit strips....terrible
5) being a unique snowflake......terrible
4)Singing competitions (think ex factor et al) they've become like some kind of dystopian vision of the future and when I watch them I get palpitations and have nightmares.
3) Walking around wearing clothes 6 sizes to big....I mean do I really need to go into this one. You're a shambles mate.
2)Going to work in the mornings....Why morning? what do people have against nocturnal activities?! Seriously would the world not be a better place if we could all just go to work with sleeping bags rolled up under our arms.
1)People telling me to quite smoking...NO, make me! what has it to do with you if I want to dramatically shorten my life span...climate change is real ya know, if anything I'm helping.
Thursday 1 May 2014
Monday 4 April 2011
run on banks? nope we'll just keep being f**ked up the arse thanks!
Ok, so here's the thing. I may be a little tired right now (37 hours without sleep and counting) and therefore more aggressive etc etc but who gives a shit, this is serious. I've become tired, I've become tire of hearing about poverty and abuse and brutality, but most of all I'm tired of people claiming they can do nothing about it. You can, but it requires a radical change of mind. The powers that be have made a success of controlling and passifying the population and it's time we fought back before it's too late. It's time to fight for your mind and for the lives and dignity of all of us.
So...
Firstly, read. read all you can read, never stop consume information. let it sustain you. Toss it around in your mind until it makes sense then question, like a 5year old in the 'why?' phase. Question it repeatedly, from all angles.
Secondly, STOP BUYING SHIT. again? STOP. FUCKING. BUYING. SHIT!why? why you ask? because you buying shit is aiding and abetting the systematic slaughter and abuse of billions of people world wide. As a population we have so much blood on our hands and so many atrocities caused by our dogged consumerism it will take generations to exonerate us but it starts here. So stop. Stop feeding the system, Stop making excuses. Not buying shit is easy, costs nothing and requires no effort. Buy locally sourced food or (real) fair trade products. Do your research. Make sure it's legit.
Thirdly, trade.trade.trade.trade.trade. Stop using their banks stop using their monetry system. Boycott them in the fullest sense. Make sure they have no chance of survival and become a true insurgent. There are more of us than there are of them. We could make their systems of control and abuse come crashing down.
Fourth, wake up! think of the rules and 'morals' you live by. did you create them? didn't think so. Are they harmful? probably.
As humans we must remember some things, never stop growing and learning. There is no shame in admitting you've been wrong time and time again. Your resistance is the only strength you have. Use it as a means for survival and a vessel to carry others into a good world.
rant over, instructions given. tune in next time
Peace
So...
Firstly, read. read all you can read, never stop consume information. let it sustain you. Toss it around in your mind until it makes sense then question, like a 5year old in the 'why?' phase. Question it repeatedly, from all angles.
Secondly, STOP BUYING SHIT. again? STOP. FUCKING. BUYING. SHIT!why? why you ask? because you buying shit is aiding and abetting the systematic slaughter and abuse of billions of people world wide. As a population we have so much blood on our hands and so many atrocities caused by our dogged consumerism it will take generations to exonerate us but it starts here. So stop. Stop feeding the system, Stop making excuses. Not buying shit is easy, costs nothing and requires no effort. Buy locally sourced food or (real) fair trade products. Do your research. Make sure it's legit.
Thirdly, trade.trade.trade.trade.trade. Stop using their banks stop using their monetry system. Boycott them in the fullest sense. Make sure they have no chance of survival and become a true insurgent. There are more of us than there are of them. We could make their systems of control and abuse come crashing down.
Fourth, wake up! think of the rules and 'morals' you live by. did you create them? didn't think so. Are they harmful? probably.
As humans we must remember some things, never stop growing and learning. There is no shame in admitting you've been wrong time and time again. Your resistance is the only strength you have. Use it as a means for survival and a vessel to carry others into a good world.
rant over, instructions given. tune in next time
Peace
Friday 14 January 2011
rain is bullshit. yup that is my professional opinion. what kind of weather is rain? like really, and i don't mean thunderstorm hurricane rain i mean shitty normal rain. its not fun. its not exciting. all it does is get your face so wet that you look like one of those people who has obviously overdone it with the power walking and is now sweating out of a gratuitous amount of pores. anyways, now I've finished that minor rant (yeah you got off lucky this time) I'm gonna hit you with a list.BOOM! 10 things i dislike (my hatred is like my USP don't judge)
10) the colour orange
9) safety lighters.....like wtf is a safety lighter
8) when people eat out of Tupperware
7) the weird plastic balls you get in a shop when you get something gift wrapped
6) shops with no name
5) people who find the following things funny; poo jokes, slapstick, mime, puns, lee Evans
4) the holes that drawing pins leave in the walls
3) baby blue clothes
2) sugar in tea
1) owls....they're just weird....and unnecessary
10) the colour orange
9) safety lighters.....like wtf is a safety lighter
8) when people eat out of Tupperware
7) the weird plastic balls you get in a shop when you get something gift wrapped
6) shops with no name
5) people who find the following things funny; poo jokes, slapstick, mime, puns, lee Evans
4) the holes that drawing pins leave in the walls
3) baby blue clothes
2) sugar in tea
1) owls....they're just weird....and unnecessary
Tuesday 11 January 2011
Ants never sleep in their whole lifetime = I am an ant
I'm having yet another sleepless night. The regularity of my nocturnal wakefulness has become a problem which I often feel reluctant to part with; I think this is simply because I have no choice in the matter. Whether I like it or not sleeping at the 'right times' is a skill set I may never acquire. However the absence of slumber is not the issue that I wish to raise right now...It's the cause. Like thousands of people I suffer from clinical depression (I know I know my posts are always so joyful!)The diagnosis of which I only received a few years ago. Now we've all seen the 'hang in there kitty' motivational posters and heard 'Just get a grip' uttered from many a snarling mouth and of course there is all the grim representations of the short bouts of depression actors experience in the movie's after a bad break up but the truth of this condition is not so entertaining. Actually, I've found that the worst thing about it is the confounding boredom you experience. Not only with life but with yourself. Sometimes I will look into the mirror and feel and overwhelming ache of boredom, I'm bored of being sad, bored of being tired and bored of depression. This is what depression is, a dull ache. A yearning for the unattainable goal of consistent happiness and boredom with the need for it.
The representation of depression is probably the worst part. Everyone is a have a go psychologist once you disclose your troublesome ailment to them and the fact that they have seen Carrie Bradshaw sans make-up and sunlight for a few days after her big marriage disaster means they obviously have a detailed insight into the minds and hearts of those of us that just can’t scrape our feet off the floor. What is needed is not a quick diagnosis or a burst of fresh air. No trips or treats will erase the miserable feeling of emptiness. My message to those depressed masses who may stumble upon this page and have a go at reading my fragmented (at best) lamentations, is that all you need is time. Not just to heal, you may never entirely heal. But time to accept, to grow. Time to realise that your mind is exhausted and needs a break and that you will not manage to reach the very end of your life and never genuinely smile again or laugh again or even just for a moment, be happy.
The representation of depression is probably the worst part. Everyone is a have a go psychologist once you disclose your troublesome ailment to them and the fact that they have seen Carrie Bradshaw sans make-up and sunlight for a few days after her big marriage disaster means they obviously have a detailed insight into the minds and hearts of those of us that just can’t scrape our feet off the floor. What is needed is not a quick diagnosis or a burst of fresh air. No trips or treats will erase the miserable feeling of emptiness. My message to those depressed masses who may stumble upon this page and have a go at reading my fragmented (at best) lamentations, is that all you need is time. Not just to heal, you may never entirely heal. But time to accept, to grow. Time to realise that your mind is exhausted and needs a break and that you will not manage to reach the very end of your life and never genuinely smile again or laugh again or even just for a moment, be happy.
Friday 23 July 2010
Dale Carnegie said: If you can't sleep, then get up and do something.Dale Carnegie is an asshole with motives...the worst kind
Unlike most people i enjoy sympathy...now let’s just get this straight...i don’t mean i like being patronised and i hate it when people fuss too much. But i like a little sympathy...because sympathy often leads to treats.............and i like treats. Anyway enough about that...as you may have gathered from my title I have a problem with sleep. I have a problem with a lot of things...sleep is one of those. Yeah i know it sucks ass. So i decided to take some affirmative action and give you all some top tips on what not to do when you are sleep deprived...I’m gonna do them in list form...I like lists...deal with it!
1) Drinking multiple cups of tea in quick succession only leads to one thing...heart burn.
2) Chasing said tea with multiple cups of coffee does not ‘counteract the effects of heartburn caused by tea’ it only aggravates it...so just don’t...you are not a scientist...there is no fact behind that assumption...your a fool.
3) Anything you think of when you haven’t slept for 3 days is probably a bad idea...scrap that...it is most definitely the stupidest, most dangerous idea you have EVER had...EVER! Just don’t do it...lie down and cry.
4) Cats are not ‘out to get you’, ‘making war cries outside your window’ or ‘possessed by the spirit of King Henry VIII. You’re crazy. Live with it.
5) Running up and down the stairs after 3 sleepless nights will only end in tears.
6) Washing your hair at 4 in the morning then lying on it will only end in tears.
7) People are not shouting at you. You’re tired. Like when you were 5, and your mum would say ‘you're tired’ and you would flip. Yeah. She’s not ‘starting’ on you. You’re tired.
8) There are no such things as flying gremlins...it’s a crow.
9) Do not under any circumstances try to pluck ingrown hairs out of your legs in the half light of dawn. The only result is severe bleeding, crying, swearing, hitting walls and unsightly contusions.
10) And finally, never go on Google...just don’t even touch the Internet...you WILL end up crying huddled in the foetal position in the corner of your room because you just stumbled upon a prank video of the large hadron collider causing a black hole and now you feel you have the tedious and weighty moral dilemma of whether or not to let the world know of their impending doom. You will somehow manage to watch hardcore porn and proceed to vomit and rip your hair out and googling suicide will not help you.
There’s much more...but i think I’ve covered the most important ones for now.
Peace.
1) Drinking multiple cups of tea in quick succession only leads to one thing...heart burn.
2) Chasing said tea with multiple cups of coffee does not ‘counteract the effects of heartburn caused by tea’ it only aggravates it...so just don’t...you are not a scientist...there is no fact behind that assumption...your a fool.
3) Anything you think of when you haven’t slept for 3 days is probably a bad idea...scrap that...it is most definitely the stupidest, most dangerous idea you have EVER had...EVER! Just don’t do it...lie down and cry.
4) Cats are not ‘out to get you’, ‘making war cries outside your window’ or ‘possessed by the spirit of King Henry VIII. You’re crazy. Live with it.
5) Running up and down the stairs after 3 sleepless nights will only end in tears.
6) Washing your hair at 4 in the morning then lying on it will only end in tears.
7) People are not shouting at you. You’re tired. Like when you were 5, and your mum would say ‘you're tired’ and you would flip. Yeah. She’s not ‘starting’ on you. You’re tired.
8) There are no such things as flying gremlins...it’s a crow.
9) Do not under any circumstances try to pluck ingrown hairs out of your legs in the half light of dawn. The only result is severe bleeding, crying, swearing, hitting walls and unsightly contusions.
10) And finally, never go on Google...just don’t even touch the Internet...you WILL end up crying huddled in the foetal position in the corner of your room because you just stumbled upon a prank video of the large hadron collider causing a black hole and now you feel you have the tedious and weighty moral dilemma of whether or not to let the world know of their impending doom. You will somehow manage to watch hardcore porn and proceed to vomit and rip your hair out and googling suicide will not help you.
There’s much more...but i think I’ve covered the most important ones for now.
Peace.
Saturday 3 July 2010
There’s a dead moth stuck to my ceiling and I have no intention of doing anything about it
There is ...and I haven’t...but this isn’t about Cuthbert (I named him after I killed him...Out of respect, you know)
Nope, Cuthbert won’t be stealing my limelight this time. Nor will the birds who are totally fucked up by light pollution so they sing aaallll night...I mean c’mon give it a rest??!! Do birds get insomnia? And i digress. Nope this is about the fact that my soon-to-be university has decided that giving a prospective student (of 18-19 years old) 7 days to pay a £550 deposit fee on accommodation is totally acceptable. Yes that’s right 7 days, like they’re the mafia or something. And the biggest slap in the face is that if you’re rich enough to pay the whole years rent in one go you get...wait for it...a DISCOUNT!!! Since when did rich people need discounts, am I the only person outraged, they didn’t even have the decency to make sure the deadline fell around payday..No no no. Just any random day’ll do because that’s the kind of money you conjure out of thin air. You know like a party trick...and then you burn it and spit in homeless people’s faces.
So know I have to make a tearful (and snotty if I’m lucky) call to the admissions department about my desperate need for a one day extension so I can use my months food money to pay said deposit. I’m hoping they’ll let me off paying it at all, but I’m guessing not. So my plan B is to borrow the money and pay the borrower back asap on Friday...which I resent...coz I hate borrowing money...plus if I didn’t resent it I’d have nothing to bitch about and then where would we be?! Nowhere that’s were.
Moving on to bigger and better things here are 10 things i do everyday which apparently make me a weirdo:
10) I wash my face with oil. Yup. It works. Don’t judge.
9) I can’t use the toilet with anyone standing outside or with clothes on. What can i say; I’m a sensual person (HA!)
8) I use words which ‘don’t exist’ or ‘you just made that up right now Eleanor’. I’ve been told this makes me hard to understand but I’m not convinced.
7) I treat the neighbour’s cat as if she’s mine except i refuse to feed her or let her upstairs. Personally i don’t see this as weird i see it as the most bank friendly way to have a pet.
6) I watch a dose of trash TV. This gets hard in the summer but i manage goddamnit.
5) Playing with my eyeballs...it’s too tempting. I see it as a rather impressive feat that i can touch them without flinching.
4) Ok if your squeamish i wouldn’t read this...but i love plucking ingrown hair out of my legs...oh joy
3) Silent singing (don’t ask)
2) Finding bump on my scalp and picking them...
And...Drum roll please...
1)Topping food with salad cream particularly rice...mmmm
Well there you go... later
Nope, Cuthbert won’t be stealing my limelight this time. Nor will the birds who are totally fucked up by light pollution so they sing aaallll night...I mean c’mon give it a rest??!! Do birds get insomnia? And i digress. Nope this is about the fact that my soon-to-be university has decided that giving a prospective student (of 18-19 years old) 7 days to pay a £550 deposit fee on accommodation is totally acceptable. Yes that’s right 7 days, like they’re the mafia or something. And the biggest slap in the face is that if you’re rich enough to pay the whole years rent in one go you get...wait for it...a DISCOUNT!!! Since when did rich people need discounts, am I the only person outraged, they didn’t even have the decency to make sure the deadline fell around payday..No no no. Just any random day’ll do because that’s the kind of money you conjure out of thin air. You know like a party trick...and then you burn it and spit in homeless people’s faces.
So know I have to make a tearful (and snotty if I’m lucky) call to the admissions department about my desperate need for a one day extension so I can use my months food money to pay said deposit. I’m hoping they’ll let me off paying it at all, but I’m guessing not. So my plan B is to borrow the money and pay the borrower back asap on Friday...which I resent...coz I hate borrowing money...plus if I didn’t resent it I’d have nothing to bitch about and then where would we be?! Nowhere that’s were.
Moving on to bigger and better things here are 10 things i do everyday which apparently make me a weirdo:
10) I wash my face with oil. Yup. It works. Don’t judge.
9) I can’t use the toilet with anyone standing outside or with clothes on. What can i say; I’m a sensual person (HA!)
8) I use words which ‘don’t exist’ or ‘you just made that up right now Eleanor’. I’ve been told this makes me hard to understand but I’m not convinced.
7) I treat the neighbour’s cat as if she’s mine except i refuse to feed her or let her upstairs. Personally i don’t see this as weird i see it as the most bank friendly way to have a pet.
6) I watch a dose of trash TV. This gets hard in the summer but i manage goddamnit.
5) Playing with my eyeballs...it’s too tempting. I see it as a rather impressive feat that i can touch them without flinching.
4) Ok if your squeamish i wouldn’t read this...but i love plucking ingrown hair out of my legs...oh joy
3) Silent singing (don’t ask)
2) Finding bump on my scalp and picking them...
And...Drum roll please...
1)Topping food with salad cream particularly rice...mmmm
Well there you go... later
Tuesday 29 June 2010
For Elgar...
Farewell Elgar, you had a good run but its time for Adam Smith to take the torch. You will be sorely missed.
*Disclaimer* if you’re not English/British I apologies as this will probably be totally lost on you.
*Disclaimer* if you’re not English/British I apologies as this will probably be totally lost on you.
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